My sister’s mad at me… again.

A truth or a lie might cause a big difference to the things that occur subsequently.

If only I have not told the truth and instead acted innocent, things might be better. But knowing that a lie tends to lead into another one which then again leads to another one and so on, I have told the truth. I have committed a mistake and didn’t deny it, hoping that it would be more appreciated than to lie about something which is supposed to be a minor thing. I know I should be hoping for nothing positive. Instead of recognition for the value of my courage to tell the truth, it is but fury that I have anticipated. Because I know that for her, a mistake is a mistake regardless if it’s on purpose or by accident, or if it’s something you wish you could undo. Above all, a mistake is a mistake no matter what you say or in my case, not say. You have to pay the price – the look in her eyes which puts me to death, the silence which can last for days or weeks or even months and hopefully not for a year, the unresponsiveness, the nights spent alone, and most of all, self-reproach for making her mad.

Of course I didn’t mean to make a mistake. More than that, I didn’t mean to make her mad. I am already tired of these petty fights, and each day spent knowing that she’s mad at me, I am more than miserable. To unleash the fury in her is the last thing I want to do.

I am not perfect. I don’t see why she can’t seem to realize that. I am just a human capable of making mistakes. And so is she. And when she does, I don’t mind that. I don’t forgive her because I don’t get mad in the first place. I see no point getting mad to someone who’s so important to you because you know you just can’t last the days after being so. But there are times I also get livid, but she doesn’t know it, she never had the chance to be aware of that because my anger does not go far beyond myself. I forgive her right at the moment I feel the pressure of sulks seething within me. I don’t want to be mad at her for the reason that I don’t have the right to. And everyday, I forgive her…

On Having Second Thoughts on Something I Used to be so Sure of

Time can do a lot of things apart from healing wounds. It can also aggravate a wound, to a point that it hurts too much that you can no longer feel the pain. And the broken can’t be mended.

I thought I wouldn’t be perturbed by the distance and time that separate us. With a tweak in dealing with my everyday and through the impassiveness towards the issue of divergence, I believed that I can do anything, everything just as long as I know that you are with me. Somehow, realizations, although in a manner not so deliberate, crossed my mind, and everything I used to believe in turned out to be all fabrications now, understanding how I have successfully convinced myself for the past three years that I can manage to keep the thing alive, which I actually managed to do. Knowing that you are with me is not enough; you have to be with me. But since for now, it is not possible and no matter how much we want to be with each other, it just can’t happen. What’s worse is that the space between us expands as time leaves us behind that I can no longer touch you, see you, talk to you, shout at you, or even be with you in mind or in spirit. The distance between us has extended too long, too convoluted that it covered up the memories that we once had and the days that would have been spent together.

Maybe nothing else should matter as long as we love each other. But this separation, the distance and time that should have been transcended, has caused too much pain in me that it makes me weak rather than tough. This weakness brought me to believing things far removed from what I used to have faith in, forgetting about the kind of happiness that had once lived within me and getting acquainted to a lesser kind.

This distance and time brought us too far away from each other that we don’t grow connected together anymore. I feel so small for having been left behind. I feel so weak, so helpless that no matter how much I want to change everything that’s happening, I have no power to do so. But I am happy by the fact that you are happy. I am happy by the fact that you are only a few steps closer to your dream. Although we are growing on our own, away from each other, I am happy because you seem to love the way you are growing, loving the path that you chose. And I’ll never say that you made a wrong choice; something bigger than life is right in your hands and to not grab and hold on it tightly would be an absurd thing to do.

I have realized that when you love someone, you’re happiness isn’t that important at all. What’s more important is the happiness of the one you love that the things that make him happy makes you happy just the same or even more.

There is love, and there is love at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Maybe ours is an example of such. The place and time may be wrong, but the person and the love, which are more important, will never be wrong. It’s causing me so much pain to know that you are with me but not by my side, but I think it’s better than you being by my side but not with me.

I have thought of letting go of this love and I won’t deny that. Perhaps it’s because of the anguish I feel at times of your total absence or the partial presence, but these are nothing compared to the happiness in its deepest sense with just a smile and how I feel for you. I want to hold on to us for the rest of my life because I have never felt this sure ever in my life. If, by some chance or choice we bump into each other sooner or later, I hope you’ll be the same Derek I’ve always known.

Help me. Change me.

I can’t help but ask myself: Do I deserve this? Do I deserve such a wonderful person who is, as many people believed, so perfect to be with just a mere human being incapable of so many things and who finds it hard to change the jarring ways in which she has grown herself with? Do I deserve the love, the trust and everything that he’s giving me?

I don’t deserve all of these. I don’t deserve any of these at all. But that’s for now. Nobody can change over night as they say, and the first step to change one’s failing is to accept it. And then, move forward… or in any direction you wish as long as you move and move with a direction. Sooner or later, by becoming the person that we want to be, all the flaws and failings that we used to have will find their way out of our own selves. Hopefully, when that time comes, it is not too late.

Someday, without any assurance if that day will come, but supposing that it will… I will deserve all of these. I will be a better person worthy of all the love in the world, especially his or his alone and all the things that I used to have, have, and will have.

Today, hopefully someday comes… But if for whatever reason there might be that that someday fails to exist, I won’t be troubled because by some means, I am trying my best today.

Heraclitus believes everything is changing. Now I won’t be the one to contest that.

This is my way of saying goodbye

You will not appreciate something you have until it’s gone.

The only time we see things at hand is when it goes beyond our reach, for people often see things too far ahead that they are blind to those at their fingertips. Realizations take place at the end of every action we carry on. And by the time these realizations come about, it is already too late.

There is something in human nature that makes them vulnerable, gullible, and helpless. Naïve in a way, taking for granted the long lists of other human experiences divulged so that others might learn. But others chose to learn through their own personal experiences, as if there is a need to repudiate what was told.

The knowledge we learn from reading is advantageous and constructs a better and valuable thinking. Even so, experience is still the best teacher of all. And who would reject the claim of Aristotle that what we have to learn to do, we learn by doing? The knowledge we gain falls down within the bounds of our very own experiences.

There is this one experience that taught me that things can last for as long as the longest time here exists just as long as we take good care of it. I haven’t studied the science of saying goodbye, but here it goes… This is my way of saying goodbye…

I know I should have taken better care of you. But since there is nothing I can do now to save you and to save me from being left behind by you… and that breaking down was never an option, I just have to face the truth that you are no longer with me… to wake me, to talk to me and to capture every moment of my life. I know, sooner or later I will learn to live a life without you. So I guess this is goodbye.

LDR is not a disease.

LDR is not a disease, my dear. It is not something to be scared of. Neither is it contagious and deadly.

At first, it did not scare me much since distance is something that we have had ever since our day one. We went in the same high school and we’re classmates until our senior year, and ‘us’ began when we separated sections. After graduation, we went on different schools: He on the northern part of the Philippines and I on the South. Not long after college classes began, he transferred to a school near mine; he went back to high school through an international school. The following year, I transferred from my first campus to another as planned and expected. When he graduated high school (for the second time), he went abroad for college. This time, the distance is not the northern and southern parts of the country but the ends of the world; we are now approximately 8, 027 miles apart. And I’m talking miles here. Thousands of miles apart!

He and I are distanced from each other but the relationship is too flexible, too easily stretched out that it adjusts itself with whatever circumstances come about. Love transcends space, distance and time. Nevertheless, I am not saying that being away from each other is as easy as ABC. Believe me; it is way too far from being easy. At times, memories flood in and you just can’t help but miss his presence and wish he’d be there beside you right at that moment. At times, you feel it’s unbearable, too heavy for you to carry. But you have to think that you are not carrying it alone, someone’s helping you and you have to help him as well. You tend to break down, but you don’t, because you know that you are strong enough. And the thought that somewhere, somehow, someone thinks of you and feels the same way makes you feel that that someone also depends on the strength you keep and it just makes you tougher, to stand alone mightily for that one moment. And life for the both of you goes on…

So when two people love each other, really really love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?

Never.

My New Year's Resolution

Lately, I’ve been “googling” on random things that interests me, like having a healthy lifestyle, waking up early, meditation, diet and nutrition, and the list goes on. Having read a few articles on these subjects, I decided to comply with not all, but most of the things that I also think would be helpful for me and make each day of my life productive, rewarding and improved. The things that I have read pushed me to change some parts of my usual activities but this account provides many other things. With this, I have listed my resolutions for the year 2009.

1. I will be an early riser consistently. For years, I have been planning to do this. There are times that I have been successful in waking up early for n consecutive days but it never got to that point where it became a habit. Not going early to bed would most probably be the reason behind. And for this, I blame my plates. And here I am again, blaming others when the blame is on me so…

2. I will think that I am the one responsible for the things that happen to my life. It is wrong to blame my plates for the late nights or the sleepless nights. Some things are beyond our control but there are also some things that we can control and the time to do my plates is something that I have power over. That is why…

3. I will manage my time wisely. How do I spend my free hours? I go to the library… and sleep or talk to friends or just watch people. I go two miles away from school only to play arcade and eat, or have a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I read books… without actually understanding. I surf the net and upload pictures in my blog. I watch movies. And most of the time, I list my things-to-do which does not go far beyond being listed and not crossed-out. So how do I spend my free hours? The short answer… I waste it! So this time, I’ll try to do things that would bear a seed, like reading notes in between classes or better yet, making note cards for reviewing which actually works for me.

4. I will not play arcade during schooldays. It would be hard, but I’ll try to fight the irresistible compulsion of “timezoning.” Not only does it kill time, it also consumes my allowance for the day.

5. I will jog at least once a week. How’s my heart? It’s going weak. Once a week is not enough I know, but it is what I can afford for now. I’d like to say I will jog at least three times a week but I’m not really sure if I can stick to that and I don’t want to break any of these resolutions of mine so I’ll play it safe. My sister plans to jog every Saturday afternoon. I told her to do so, after noticing her beer belly, which is something I also have. Shhh!

6. I will not buy things with exorbitant prices. My running shoes, which costs Php5,495, should be the last high-priced thing that I’d buy until I graduate. If I don’t do this, my sister would grow old poor and unhappy. That means, I’ll depend merely on gifts every Christmas and birthday and hope for the pricey things on my wish list. This, however, does not mean I can’t buy PS3 and rock band, or an SLR camera, since they are normally high-priced as long as the prices are fair and acceptable.

7. I will read and collect books. I haven’t read a lot of books in my life because I wasn’t interested at all before. I feel sorry for myself for not having that interest when I was younger. But as they say, ‘It’s never too late.’ The first and the only novel book I bought is “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. Most of the books I’ve read are gifts from my oh-so-good friends. I planned to borrow books from whoever but since I was also planning to put up a library in our future house, I decided to just buy so I can also keep them and put it orderly in our well thought-out and magnificent home library and let our future child or children read as many as he/she/they can or want to.

8. I will be a good sister. I am tired of the petty fights between me and my sister and I can't stand the silent days which turn to weeks and months. Most of all, I hate the look in her face when she’s mad at me. There’s really no reason to be at war with at all. She’s the only one I got right now.

9. I will drop the childish acts. If I can do this, I’m not certain but I’ll try. It had already been my character from long before hopefully only until now. I just turned 19 and life would be the same I know, but somehow, things will absolutely change. I will drop the childish acts, that is, the lack of seriousness and good sense but one thing will stay the same, I’ll still be childlike, the sweet and ‘innocent’ Tix. ;)

10. I will let go of the things I can’t get a grasp of and hold on to the things I have now. You don’t understand? Good. I’d rather not explain this.

Can't you say the L word?

For so many years, I had never found a word that would replace that one word that I have a hard time not really pronouncing but merely uttering. That one word which when I speak of entails a lot more than what it suppose to mean. The one word that for so many people can be easily said over and over again just like hello. But I know that some people are one with me when I say that it is hard to say, to utter, to mention, to talk about, to speak of.

I have grown from a family of “non-expressive’s,” one where things like the one I’m trying to talk about is hard to talk about. Just like apologies, submissions and everything in that line, and more.

Our family less than rarely, if not never, said a prayer before meals. But I don’t think it’s a big deal. We are grateful to God for whatever there is in the dining table that we are to share, we just don’t say it out loud. And for my personal opinion, that is better than merely saying the “prayer before meal” taught us in kindergarten. I have seen it, heard it, and experienced it many times before – sharing meals with those people who knows that prayer so well that it goes automatically flowing, like saying the longest word in the English language. It’s like they’ve connected each word in the prayer that it sounds like a new word longer than pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.

I don’t blame these people. Sometimes, the things that we were taught when we were little are the things we grow with, making it harder to let go of what we had once learned.

I once envied the kids who kiss their parents goodbye and tell them they love them. I wish it is as easy for me to do and say things like that to my own parents, because I really do. Of course, every child loves their parents. Some just won’t admit it, but if you dig really deep inside, they do. And I hope all parents know that.

But what are these lips made for if not to talk and kiss? It is not enough that they know that you love them. Sometimes, we have to constantly remind them and make them feel so.

The book says so....

If you think it’s tough now, wait until then. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can’t get any better, it will. But as long as you remember that he loves you and you love him – and both of you act that way – you’ll be just fine.
- At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks

I know, I’ll be just fine.

Does trust have to be earned? Or is it simply a matter of faith?

Who do I trust? Do I even trust anyone? What have they done to earn it?
Yes. I trust someone, someone that I love. And when you love someone, you’ll give them everything you have and can give… hugs and kisses, time and space, sweet words and bad words, night stories and nonsense stories, patience and impatience, understanding and misunderstanding, hopes and worries, everything including trust. I gave him these, and he gave me these.

If trust has to be earned, how do you earn it? I guess it is by doing something that would make you trustworthy, to the littlest things like keeping a secret to the biggest like taking good care of the most fragile thing in this world, a heart. If I tell you a secret then that means I already trust you because for now it’s uncertain that you would keep it. The same holds true with the heart. Only time would tell. But at first, it was simply a matter of faith. And through time, only one of two things will happen: you earn it or you lose it.

Time? There wasn't. Love? Overwhelming.

For years he’d needed to do something – anything – every waking moment. He couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes at a time; there was always something to read or study, always something to write. Little by little, he’d realized he’d lost the ability to relax, and the result was a long period of his life in which months blurred together, with nothing to differentiate one year from the next.
- At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks

I am not complaining about the time lost for the two of us because he is busy working on things that are more important, like studying. Do I have the right to demand that one language of love? I guess so. But I don’t demand that. I want it to be given to me without me asking for it. I want it to be given to me without anyone telling him to do so. I want it to be given to be out of his own free will. I know he tries to do so. And the fact that he tries is enough for me. It’s not settling for anything less, it’s knowing when something is at its state of being “nothing less and nothing more” and living with it.

Composition beyond comprehension

Things have gone the same so far, although some things have changed. A bit of contradicting, but I find no other way to say it. It doesn’t change. It still gives me the same chill and shivers that it gave me the first time. It happens everyday. Once in the morning, once at night and only God knows how many times in between. Perhaps there are moments oblivion finds its way through any time of the day. And those moments were as vital as the moments I eat, sleep and breathe. For the lack of those would make life harder to bear. Or worse, you will be taken away from your life. Like an almost perfect blood-red rose which depended completely on the soil with which she had grown and when placed in water, her living days are almost done. She survives for a few weeks or days in the water, but even if it lasts longer than that, that wasn’t living for her but merely a survival. For what? To prolong a “life” away from the soil that nurtured her. While the days left were spent waiting for the final day to come, she knew that the final day isn’t yet to come, for she had already embraced it the day she was taken away from the soil. If that rose would be placed back in the soil, will it survive? Maybe, if you place it back to the soil that contains most of its roots, entrenched deep in the ground. But then, the roots might have grown into another almost perfect blood-red rose.

It has been life for me, and to a thousand others who share the same fortune. Going away and returning back without any assurance of keeping the same things I have left behind and leaving everything up to fate. What’s left for me to do is to live my life with the memories of the things I have left and the faith that fate would somehow make it more than that.

Do you mind?

I don’t mind being taken for granted because I also take for granted the things and the people I have.

I don’t mind being hurt. I hurt people more often than they hurt me, be it through words or through actions. When bumped by a pushing cart in a grocery store, I’d still smile and say it’s okay. When someone stepped on my foot, intentionally or unintentionally, I’d still smile and say it’s fine. I put on a smile on my face every time I get hurt. I put a smile on my face every time I am happy. And if you know me better, you’d know the difference. Sadly, no one knows me enough to know the difference. And I don’t mind that either.

I don’t mind being unimportant. I see no reason why.

I don’t mind being left behind. People come and go. And it’s something you can’t control. If they look for reasons why they should stay, then it is enough reason to make them go. If they do want to stay, they won’t look for reasons at all.

I don’t mind lying, stealing, cheating, and getting jailed.

I don’t mind anything at all. Ugh… Never mind!

I am half alive. I am half indifferent.

I saw the signs but refused to read them because it is a pain I wish to bear. Long before I have decided to stand it because i found nothing needed to be fixed, or if ever there was, fixing it is beyond my capability. Why should I give up on something which makes me happy? But why should i hold on to something which makes me sad? I know it is killing me but it also makes me alive. I saw the signs, and the signs saw me. More often than not, they do not appear until enough damage has been done. It has damaged me more than enough. It has damaged me more than too much. But that doesn't matter now, because nothing really matters now. It's not indifference. It's something else.