Math and other things

I am thinking of my tutee right now. It’s 2am and I was just about to sleep but my mind’s pushing to places. I am thinking about my tutee and how our interaction today was different from any other sessions we had. It was the first time we had a three-hour session; it was supposedly for two hours only. It was the first time she cracked a joke on me, two actually; the first time we had a deal (that if she fail her long test tomorrow, I’ll make her run 5 rounds in the UP Acad Oval) I think she liked the idea but acted like she didn’t. Oh, high school girls. I’ve been there before; the first time we had a physical contact, that is, a high five whenever she gets the right answer just minutes before we ended the session; the first time we were actually almost being just ourselves – mocking each other and telling random things, whatever comes out. I must admit, at that time, I was becoming happy with what I was doing – teaching a high school student math. I never said I don’t like doing it before. As a matter of fact, I like doing it but sometimes slow people just gets into my nerves. Today, I loved teaching.

The mood at the beginning of that session was very different compared to the latter part of it. Because, before we began with what I planned to do, she handed me her quizzes on simplification and addition/subtraction of radicals, and her scores were almost like friction, negligible. Just almost. Or maybe I just have high standards for negligibility. I was so heartbroken at the time and I want to break down. But my intervention has not sunk in those tests yet, I thought. I hoped. I’m the type who does not easily give up, especially if I know I can do better. And I was certain I can do better with teaching her, pushing her to her limits.

I started the session the mock exam I made beforehand. And while she was into it, I was examining her exam papers. Oh, the pieces of my heart were just falling down those sheets. I computed her scores, 35% overall. A mountain and seven seas from the 75% passing grade. And to think tomorrow’s her long test? Oh, I could die. What have I done wrong? Am I not teaching her well? I can only blame myself. I want to tell you she really isn’t interested in the subject and if only she could pass by running a thousand miles instead of solving math problems, I’d swear she’d do it. But the blame’s still on me.

So what do I do when I’m teaching a student who’s not at all interested in the subject?

She loves running, or her team, or the field. I don’t know but her heart is obviously everywhere else, just not in math. She just got suspended from running/competing because she failed math. She won first place in the 2k event but she can’t get her medal because, technically, she’s no longer part of the team. And there are a lot of things she could lose if she continues to fail math. Not only her track team, but also her high school or her batchmates. If she succeeds in failing math once again, she won’t be allowed to enter third year in the same school. That means, either she has to transfer to another school or repeat second year high school. If only my opinion matters, either of the two is a good way to go. Because in my opinion, she hasn’t learn anything in math since Grade 1. It’s really disappointing to have to go back to the basics when you are teaching a second year high school student, who cannot even add fractions! Oh, it gets into my nerves.

It’s heartbreaking. I can tell by the stories and the tone of her voice that she really loves to run. She’d rather train than study math! When we change the topic from math to running, the tone of her voice suddenly shifts from bored to excited. It just pumps her up.

What I like about teaching is that it makes my short piece of patience longer. Really it does. I swear, when it comes to people who are slow to pick up, I don’t have the patience to discuss a lot of things with them a lot of times. I just don’t want to get into that kind of trouble.

But the thing about teaching math (or any subject for that matter) is that it’s not actually just your student you’re teaching or who’s learning. It’s not actually just your student who’s getting something from you. If you think I’m saying I am getting something from my student, well you are partly right. The thing is, I am getting something from myself as well. If she’s not picking up what I said, then that would only mean I am not communicating well with her. I am not conveying the words in a manner she’d understand. This is something I learned from my boy. I learned a lot of things from him. He’d make a good teacher. He was good for me.

Going back to my tutee, I think what we need is rapport. First and foremost, she has to trust me. And even if it’s hard, I have to trust her – that she’ll be able to pick things up. She tells me things she doesn’t want to tell her mom, and I think that’s a good start. But she’s a kid, she tells a lot of things.

I want this tutor-tutee relationship work. It’s like having a little sister. I want to take her to UP, to show her what a nice campus UP has. I want to tell her about architecture and what good things that comes from it and all about its grandeur and elegance. I want to take her for a jog regularly and we’ll have breakfast somewhere. And we’ll talk about math discreetly. I want to be a good model for her – show her how important it is to balance things in life, like training for running and math and other school stuff. I want to tell her what I wished I have known when I was still in high school. I want to warn her about life outside the family and how it feels to be far from home. I want her to be good in math, and a lot of other things. I want her to like numbers like I do, and letters, and art. I want her to grow up to be better than me.

Live. Laugh. Dance. Jump. Shout. Play.

(The effect of a weekend at Sagada...)

Studying is not the only way we can learn. Books are not the only source of knowledge. There are so many things out there, so many people, so many places; so much to experience that could teach us the most important things in life that we have to know. And sometimes, the most important things and lessons are not taught in school or read in books, we just have to go out there and discover and learn it with ourselves.

There is more to life than having high grades or being academically excellent. Sometimes, by being so focused on that one thing – academics, we lose in touch with all else – which are all the more important. We tend to be concentrated on that one thing that the things that we really want to do are neglected and compromised, making us unhappy and in the future, we fail to see the end that we had hoped for. Balance plays the most important part in our lives – balance on everything that makes our existence worthwhile, the actual reasons why we live, the purpose of our life.

There is no other time to be happy but today. There is no other time to do the things that we want to do but today. Because today is the only day we can control for yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not certain. If you want something done, do it today and do it because you want to not because you have to.

Happiness is a matter of choice. And yes, I choose to be happy. I choose to live the way I want. To achieve my dreams, I know I have to work hard – really hard. But on second thoughts, it’s not really working hard because achieving my dream is something that I want to do. And since I want it, I am happy doing it – it may be working hard but without feeling like carrying a heavy burden. I want to secure my future but more than that, I want to secure my present. If something goes wrong on my way to the future, at least I have done what I want and I won’t have any regrets. The more we think about the future, the less we live today because we are always so excited about tomorrow that we forget that today is the tomorrow we have yesterday.

I am tired of thinking about the future. I am done hoping and waiting for the future, which, in actuality, is something that will never end. We don’t live in the future – not in the dreams that we have for ourselves, not for who we hope we are by then. If we wait for the future, it’s like waiting forever and waiting for nothing at all.

All I want to say is… do whatever makes you happy as long as it falls down within the bounds of your values and principles. Prepare for your future but please do not forget that today was once the future that we have waited in the past. Achieve your dreams but do not overdo things. You’ve got one life and only one chance to live it. Enjoy it. Live. Laugh. Dance. Jump. Shout. Play. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do – and there is no other right time to do it but today.

*Tinatamad na mag-aral. Malapit na ang bakasyon! :)*

Today, I am giving up.

Last semester, I got a grade of 3 (the lowest possible passing grade) in one of my major subjects, Arch 17 (History, Theory and Criticism II: Philippine Architecture). And that must really be something. I have been trying to retrieve from my teacher my final exam and my 10-page paper, which are more than half of the grade. Since the day the grades came out until now, despite the blatancy of my perseverance, he hasn’t given those to me, reasoning that he left it at home. One instant, he told me he was out of town, that’s why he did not receive my text reminding him to bring those papers to school the following day. What a lame excuse!

He is known for giving low grades and most students tend to make that the reason for not fighting against something they know they don’t deserve. I am not one of the most students. With nothing else but hope, I could be the one bold enough to correct his wrongdoing – giving grades in a way not fair for everyone. That might sound too heroic, but I believe that it does not take a superhuman to correct something wrong. I am more than certain that I don’t deserve a three – but unfortunately the proof is not in my hands. When I have learned that he gave me a three, it’s as is my world has crushed into coals and ashes and all the efforts that I have exerted for that final paper and the days and nights reviewing for the final exam have all gone into waste and that is so beyond the pale.

I want to fight for it but I have realized that there is nothing I can do now. Who am I? For him, I am just a speck of dust without any importance whatsoever, that my absence wouldn’t even be noticed by the world and that I don’t have the power to dispute what on earth he has done. Well for me, he is just the same.

Even though it’s against my desire, I am giving up. Not because I feel powerless to be against someone superior, but because I have learned to accept the fact that life is not really fair no matter how hard you try to fight it.

I won’t mind that three anymore. I won’t mind how my teachers measure how much I have done in their class – it’s not like they can measure my capability. Just like a boxer who lost a fight because of a judge who gave a score he does not deserve. It should have been a unanimous decision and the boxer should have won. But for the boxer, it does not carry any weight. Winning or losing is not what measures his skill, not the number of punches he gave or has avoided, or how many rounds he has lasted in the ring. It is how he fight, knowing it is fair and it is by heart. More importantly, it is the fact that he has given his best to that fight. Some may judge a boxer from the number of losses and wins or the knock-outs, but some who watch him fight know much better. It would be more dishonoring for the judge who made a mistake on purpose than the boxer who has not won the fight.

At 19, I don’t really know what life is all about. I have more to experience, more to know about it. But for now, this is what I say: Life is not about winning or losing, not about successes or failures, not about how much we earn or how we spend it, not about the things we have or the things we lost. Maybe, just maybe, it is not about the opportunities taken or missed. Life may not be fair. Trust me, it’s not and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Life is not fair. And we should learn to live with it. Perhaps, we can fight it but I advice you not to, because if we try to fight life, life always wins.

Composition beyond comprehension

Things have gone the same so far, although some things have changed. A bit of contradicting, but I find no other way to say it. It doesn’t change. It still gives me the same chill and shivers that it gave me the first time. It happens everyday. Once in the morning, once at night and only God knows how many times in between. Perhaps there are moments oblivion finds its way through any time of the day. And those moments were as vital as the moments I eat, sleep and breathe. For the lack of those would make life harder to bear. Or worse, you will be taken away from your life. Like an almost perfect blood-red rose which depended completely on the soil with which she had grown and when placed in water, her living days are almost done. She survives for a few weeks or days in the water, but even if it lasts longer than that, that wasn’t living for her but merely a survival. For what? To prolong a “life” away from the soil that nurtured her. While the days left were spent waiting for the final day to come, she knew that the final day isn’t yet to come, for she had already embraced it the day she was taken away from the soil. If that rose would be placed back in the soil, will it survive? Maybe, if you place it back to the soil that contains most of its roots, entrenched deep in the ground. But then, the roots might have grown into another almost perfect blood-red rose.

It has been life for me, and to a thousand others who share the same fortune. Going away and returning back without any assurance of keeping the same things I have left behind and leaving everything up to fate. What’s left for me to do is to live my life with the memories of the things I have left and the faith that fate would somehow make it more than that.