I have discovered a gem differently cut from all the others. One that appears rarely in our history. Perhaps, the only one in this generation. I am lucky to have found it. It is more than luck to have kept it with me ever since, a treasure beyond being priced. But instead of me honing it to perfection, I was the one molded to become a better person. Not to be me. Not to be who I am. Not to be what I am. But to be the best that i can be. And the gem, untouched and unchanged, retained its worth. And that it remained as it is, is what made it perfect... and far beyond.
It is a gem I will forever keep for it is a gem that once you've get the hold of, you'll never let go. For and because of it, I have searched and found a stable ground where my feet should stand and my soul would reside until the end of time. This is the one.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
“Who was your bestfriend in high school?”
Everyone thinks we were best friends except us. We never admitted it to each other or to anyone else. We never mentioned the word bestfriend and unlike everyone else, we never gave our friendship a name. We were high school classmates, and that’s how we introduce each other to a new friend.
In spite all these, we both sense that we were high school bestfriends. We spent most of the time together. We eat together. We shop together. We walk anywhere together. We roam around the campus together. We do most things we have to do together. We travel together. We do crazy things together. We were the best of friends and that went on until our second year in college, just until that night when the word bestfriend was mentioned in a question asked by a new friend to my “bestfriend.”
“Who was your bestfriend in high school?”
I knew I wasn’t the only one expecting my name as the answer, but the answer is not Tix. That’s cool. I am not the best friend of the best friend I have. That’s not fair. But hey, that’s life. Along with some other factors – the lack of communication and the geographical separation, I felt like she had ended the unfathomable friendship right at that moment when she mentioned someone else’s name. But after giving it a deeper thought, I realized that if she answered my name, she would have ended it just the same. Either way, she broke something within me and definitely, it wasn’t a bone.
Perhaps, the question is better left unanswered because some things are better left in the dark. But there will come a time that we have to face the light because we can’t just live all our lives in obscurity, without knowing what, where, when, why or how. We have to know where we stand so that we may know the ones worthy to be kept.
One word. Just one word. That one word steered the wheel in a different direction now… Something has been changed and it changed so many things. And we both know nothing will ever be the same and what used to be will remain what used to be.
In spite all these, we both sense that we were high school bestfriends. We spent most of the time together. We eat together. We shop together. We walk anywhere together. We roam around the campus together. We do most things we have to do together. We travel together. We do crazy things together. We were the best of friends and that went on until our second year in college, just until that night when the word bestfriend was mentioned in a question asked by a new friend to my “bestfriend.”
“Who was your bestfriend in high school?”
I knew I wasn’t the only one expecting my name as the answer, but the answer is not Tix. That’s cool. I am not the best friend of the best friend I have. That’s not fair. But hey, that’s life. Along with some other factors – the lack of communication and the geographical separation, I felt like she had ended the unfathomable friendship right at that moment when she mentioned someone else’s name. But after giving it a deeper thought, I realized that if she answered my name, she would have ended it just the same. Either way, she broke something within me and definitely, it wasn’t a bone.
Perhaps, the question is better left unanswered because some things are better left in the dark. But there will come a time that we have to face the light because we can’t just live all our lives in obscurity, without knowing what, where, when, why or how. We have to know where we stand so that we may know the ones worthy to be kept.
One word. Just one word. That one word steered the wheel in a different direction now… Something has been changed and it changed so many things. And we both know nothing will ever be the same and what used to be will remain what used to be.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I lead a happy life… everyday.
Just recently, i found out how i could be happy and what made me sad in the past years of my life. It may be fair to say that for me to be happy, i have to take away in my life those that makes me sad. But that might not be logical at all. I don't know exactly how i could be happy... All i know is that i have to be.
I used to be so eager about the future. I used to think so much about the future – what I’d be doing five or ten years from now, what I am, what things I should be busy with or where should I live. I was so engrossed by the thought of me working in an architectural firm, having babies, going on a home which I personally designed, waiting for my husband to come home, preparing dinner for my family, and so on. I know there is nothing wrong to think about the future and definitely it is not wrong to prepare for it. But by doing so, I forgot that I was living the present – I actually wasn’t living the present, I was living the future.
There are so many things that I want to achieve in my life and to achieve more than half of these things, it would take years. I realized that there are also things that I want to achieve in my present life, the most important of which is being happy. I was so lost living in the future that I did not realize how much I was missing in this life.
It’s not that I stopped thinking about the future, but I now think less of the future and more of the present. I stopped worrying about my how I’ll have my work done on time when I a client asks me to design something. I stopped worrying about how to rear children, how to change diapers, or how to make them stop crying. I stopped worrying about where to build my house and what concept I should be implementing. I stopped worrying how long I should be waiting for my husband to come home when I am tired and wanting to lie in bed early. I stopped worrying about what dinner to prepare or how to do it – I don’t even know how to cook! I stopped worrying about the things I should not worry about… or not just yet. Worry is just a waste of emotional reserve.
I live one day at a time. I no longer think in decades. I no longer wait for tomorrow. I no longer live in the future. I am happy today… living it as if it is my first or last day alive.
I used to be so eager about the future. I used to think so much about the future – what I’d be doing five or ten years from now, what I am, what things I should be busy with or where should I live. I was so engrossed by the thought of me working in an architectural firm, having babies, going on a home which I personally designed, waiting for my husband to come home, preparing dinner for my family, and so on. I know there is nothing wrong to think about the future and definitely it is not wrong to prepare for it. But by doing so, I forgot that I was living the present – I actually wasn’t living the present, I was living the future.
There are so many things that I want to achieve in my life and to achieve more than half of these things, it would take years. I realized that there are also things that I want to achieve in my present life, the most important of which is being happy. I was so lost living in the future that I did not realize how much I was missing in this life.
It’s not that I stopped thinking about the future, but I now think less of the future and more of the present. I stopped worrying about my how I’ll have my work done on time when I a client asks me to design something. I stopped worrying about how to rear children, how to change diapers, or how to make them stop crying. I stopped worrying about where to build my house and what concept I should be implementing. I stopped worrying how long I should be waiting for my husband to come home when I am tired and wanting to lie in bed early. I stopped worrying about what dinner to prepare or how to do it – I don’t even know how to cook! I stopped worrying about the things I should not worry about… or not just yet. Worry is just a waste of emotional reserve.
I live one day at a time. I no longer think in decades. I no longer wait for tomorrow. I no longer live in the future. I am happy today… living it as if it is my first or last day alive.
Friday, April 10, 2009
The unwritten letter
I’m finding it hard to gather all my thoughts or at least come up with a single thought and put it into words… and type it here. I’m sorry I can’t write you a letter. Not now that you’re asking me.
This doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that I can’t find the right words to say…
I think you know very well that I’m not good with words or conveying how I feel. It’s just the way I am.
Maybe in time, I’ll learn how to talk…
For now, I hope this is enough: I miss you so much.
This doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that I can’t find the right words to say…
I think you know very well that I’m not good with words or conveying how I feel. It’s just the way I am.
Maybe in time, I’ll learn how to talk…
For now, I hope this is enough: I miss you so much.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Live. Laugh. Dance. Jump. Shout. Play.
(The effect of a weekend at Sagada...)
Studying is not the only way we can learn. Books are not the only source of knowledge. There are so many things out there, so many people, so many places; so much to experience that could teach us the most important things in life that we have to know. And sometimes, the most important things and lessons are not taught in school or read in books, we just have to go out there and discover and learn it with ourselves.
There is more to life than having high grades or being academically excellent. Sometimes, by being so focused on that one thing – academics, we lose in touch with all else – which are all the more important. We tend to be concentrated on that one thing that the things that we really want to do are neglected and compromised, making us unhappy and in the future, we fail to see the end that we had hoped for. Balance plays the most important part in our lives – balance on everything that makes our existence worthwhile, the actual reasons why we live, the purpose of our life.
There is no other time to be happy but today. There is no other time to do the things that we want to do but today. Because today is the only day we can control for yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not certain. If you want something done, do it today and do it because you want to not because you have to.
Happiness is a matter of choice. And yes, I choose to be happy. I choose to live the way I want. To achieve my dreams, I know I have to work hard – really hard. But on second thoughts, it’s not really working hard because achieving my dream is something that I want to do. And since I want it, I am happy doing it – it may be working hard but without feeling like carrying a heavy burden. I want to secure my future but more than that, I want to secure my present. If something goes wrong on my way to the future, at least I have done what I want and I won’t have any regrets. The more we think about the future, the less we live today because we are always so excited about tomorrow that we forget that today is the tomorrow we have yesterday.
I am tired of thinking about the future. I am done hoping and waiting for the future, which, in actuality, is something that will never end. We don’t live in the future – not in the dreams that we have for ourselves, not for who we hope we are by then. If we wait for the future, it’s like waiting forever and waiting for nothing at all.
All I want to say is… do whatever makes you happy as long as it falls down within the bounds of your values and principles. Prepare for your future but please do not forget that today was once the future that we have waited in the past. Achieve your dreams but do not overdo things. You’ve got one life and only one chance to live it. Enjoy it. Live. Laugh. Dance. Jump. Shout. Play. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do – and there is no other right time to do it but today.
*Tinatamad na mag-aral. Malapit na ang bakasyon! :)*
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Reminiscing the Past 19 Heart’s Days
As a child, I have always loved the 14th of February. Every year when I was in kindergarten and grade school, I would receive chocolate flowers or chocolate hearts from a classmate. Her mom sells such chocolates every Valentine’s Day and I find it nice to have one or two or three for free for 7 consecutive years. It’s amazing how at such young age we have a conception of what’s with that special day and in school, we celebrate it with our best red dress.
During high school days, February is one of the months I anticipated because of the booths that we, the students take charge of. One of my favorites, of course, is the marriage booth. Though I never had the chance to get married on the Clituria tree, I have been happy to have witnessed the marriages of my friends. But the most important reason why I anticipated February is the prom – when the night is young and the stars above are witnesses of such a wonderful moment when white turns black and black turns red.
Last night, I was at the concert at UP. Midnight came and the 5-minute fireworks display started. I remembered the first and the last time we went to EK, the battle of the bands at San Jose, the 2009 New Year countdown and how I wished you were by my side as I behold the sound, smoke and motion of illuminating colors combined stunningly into a marvelous display. Not so long after, someone came to me and gave me a bouquet of flowers. For a moment, I hesitated to accept it but then realized it would be rude since his friends and my friends were there. And then again, I wished you were there.
I woke up today at 2pm, took a bath and went out for lunch. It put a smile on my face when I saw roses and balloons all over the place – the streets overwhelming with bouquets of freshly-picked flowers of different colors and kinds, and of couples unafraid to show love. Valentine’s Day is a good excuse for them to be sappy romantic, just as their hearts are hit by the arrows of cupid.
While I was eating, something hit me right there and then. I no longer receive chocolate hearts and chocolate flowers from a grade school boy. I no longer witness the marriage of my friends at the Clituria tree. Prom has been long gone and will never be repeated.
Things are not the same during Valentine’s Day. But that did not make me sad. In fact, it made me happy to realize the impossibility of returning back to the happiness of childhood conception of love because it made me move ahead to the possibility of happiness of finding true love. I have been more than lucky to stumble upon a miracle of finding such. There is no greater gift than to be loved in return...
Happy Valentine’s beb! Cheers! :)
During high school days, February is one of the months I anticipated because of the booths that we, the students take charge of. One of my favorites, of course, is the marriage booth. Though I never had the chance to get married on the Clituria tree, I have been happy to have witnessed the marriages of my friends. But the most important reason why I anticipated February is the prom – when the night is young and the stars above are witnesses of such a wonderful moment when white turns black and black turns red.
Last night, I was at the concert at UP. Midnight came and the 5-minute fireworks display started. I remembered the first and the last time we went to EK, the battle of the bands at San Jose, the 2009 New Year countdown and how I wished you were by my side as I behold the sound, smoke and motion of illuminating colors combined stunningly into a marvelous display. Not so long after, someone came to me and gave me a bouquet of flowers. For a moment, I hesitated to accept it but then realized it would be rude since his friends and my friends were there. And then again, I wished you were there.
I woke up today at 2pm, took a bath and went out for lunch. It put a smile on my face when I saw roses and balloons all over the place – the streets overwhelming with bouquets of freshly-picked flowers of different colors and kinds, and of couples unafraid to show love. Valentine’s Day is a good excuse for them to be sappy romantic, just as their hearts are hit by the arrows of cupid.
While I was eating, something hit me right there and then. I no longer receive chocolate hearts and chocolate flowers from a grade school boy. I no longer witness the marriage of my friends at the Clituria tree. Prom has been long gone and will never be repeated.
Things are not the same during Valentine’s Day. But that did not make me sad. In fact, it made me happy to realize the impossibility of returning back to the happiness of childhood conception of love because it made me move ahead to the possibility of happiness of finding true love. I have been more than lucky to stumble upon a miracle of finding such. There is no greater gift than to be loved in return...
Happy Valentine’s beb! Cheers! :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Today, I am giving up.
Last semester, I got a grade of 3 (the lowest possible passing grade) in one of my major subjects, Arch 17 (History, Theory and Criticism II: Philippine Architecture). And that must really be something. I have been trying to retrieve from my teacher my final exam and my 10-page paper, which are more than half of the grade. Since the day the grades came out until now, despite the blatancy of my perseverance, he hasn’t given those to me, reasoning that he left it at home. One instant, he told me he was out of town, that’s why he did not receive my text reminding him to bring those papers to school the following day. What a lame excuse!
He is known for giving low grades and most students tend to make that the reason for not fighting against something they know they don’t deserve. I am not one of the most students. With nothing else but hope, I could be the one bold enough to correct his wrongdoing – giving grades in a way not fair for everyone. That might sound too heroic, but I believe that it does not take a superhuman to correct something wrong. I am more than certain that I don’t deserve a three – but unfortunately the proof is not in my hands. When I have learned that he gave me a three, it’s as is my world has crushed into coals and ashes and all the efforts that I have exerted for that final paper and the days and nights reviewing for the final exam have all gone into waste and that is so beyond the pale.
I want to fight for it but I have realized that there is nothing I can do now. Who am I? For him, I am just a speck of dust without any importance whatsoever, that my absence wouldn’t even be noticed by the world and that I don’t have the power to dispute what on earth he has done. Well for me, he is just the same.
Even though it’s against my desire, I am giving up. Not because I feel powerless to be against someone superior, but because I have learned to accept the fact that life is not really fair no matter how hard you try to fight it.
I won’t mind that three anymore. I won’t mind how my teachers measure how much I have done in their class – it’s not like they can measure my capability. Just like a boxer who lost a fight because of a judge who gave a score he does not deserve. It should have been a unanimous decision and the boxer should have won. But for the boxer, it does not carry any weight. Winning or losing is not what measures his skill, not the number of punches he gave or has avoided, or how many rounds he has lasted in the ring. It is how he fight, knowing it is fair and it is by heart. More importantly, it is the fact that he has given his best to that fight. Some may judge a boxer from the number of losses and wins or the knock-outs, but some who watch him fight know much better. It would be more dishonoring for the judge who made a mistake on purpose than the boxer who has not won the fight.
At 19, I don’t really know what life is all about. I have more to experience, more to know about it. But for now, this is what I say: Life is not about winning or losing, not about successes or failures, not about how much we earn or how we spend it, not about the things we have or the things we lost. Maybe, just maybe, it is not about the opportunities taken or missed. Life may not be fair. Trust me, it’s not and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Life is not fair. And we should learn to live with it. Perhaps, we can fight it but I advice you not to, because if we try to fight life, life always wins.
He is known for giving low grades and most students tend to make that the reason for not fighting against something they know they don’t deserve. I am not one of the most students. With nothing else but hope, I could be the one bold enough to correct his wrongdoing – giving grades in a way not fair for everyone. That might sound too heroic, but I believe that it does not take a superhuman to correct something wrong. I am more than certain that I don’t deserve a three – but unfortunately the proof is not in my hands. When I have learned that he gave me a three, it’s as is my world has crushed into coals and ashes and all the efforts that I have exerted for that final paper and the days and nights reviewing for the final exam have all gone into waste and that is so beyond the pale.
I want to fight for it but I have realized that there is nothing I can do now. Who am I? For him, I am just a speck of dust without any importance whatsoever, that my absence wouldn’t even be noticed by the world and that I don’t have the power to dispute what on earth he has done. Well for me, he is just the same.
Even though it’s against my desire, I am giving up. Not because I feel powerless to be against someone superior, but because I have learned to accept the fact that life is not really fair no matter how hard you try to fight it.
I won’t mind that three anymore. I won’t mind how my teachers measure how much I have done in their class – it’s not like they can measure my capability. Just like a boxer who lost a fight because of a judge who gave a score he does not deserve. It should have been a unanimous decision and the boxer should have won. But for the boxer, it does not carry any weight. Winning or losing is not what measures his skill, not the number of punches he gave or has avoided, or how many rounds he has lasted in the ring. It is how he fight, knowing it is fair and it is by heart. More importantly, it is the fact that he has given his best to that fight. Some may judge a boxer from the number of losses and wins or the knock-outs, but some who watch him fight know much better. It would be more dishonoring for the judge who made a mistake on purpose than the boxer who has not won the fight.
At 19, I don’t really know what life is all about. I have more to experience, more to know about it. But for now, this is what I say: Life is not about winning or losing, not about successes or failures, not about how much we earn or how we spend it, not about the things we have or the things we lost. Maybe, just maybe, it is not about the opportunities taken or missed. Life may not be fair. Trust me, it’s not and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Life is not fair. And we should learn to live with it. Perhaps, we can fight it but I advice you not to, because if we try to fight life, life always wins.
Friday, January 30, 2009
My sister’s mad at me… again.
A truth or a lie might cause a big difference to the things that occur subsequently.
If only I have not told the truth and instead acted innocent, things might be better. But knowing that a lie tends to lead into another one which then again leads to another one and so on, I have told the truth. I have committed a mistake and didn’t deny it, hoping that it would be more appreciated than to lie about something which is supposed to be a minor thing. I know I should be hoping for nothing positive. Instead of recognition for the value of my courage to tell the truth, it is but fury that I have anticipated. Because I know that for her, a mistake is a mistake regardless if it’s on purpose or by accident, or if it’s something you wish you could undo. Above all, a mistake is a mistake no matter what you say or in my case, not say. You have to pay the price – the look in her eyes which puts me to death, the silence which can last for days or weeks or even months and hopefully not for a year, the unresponsiveness, the nights spent alone, and most of all, self-reproach for making her mad.
Of course I didn’t mean to make a mistake. More than that, I didn’t mean to make her mad. I am already tired of these petty fights, and each day spent knowing that she’s mad at me, I am more than miserable. To unleash the fury in her is the last thing I want to do.
I am not perfect. I don’t see why she can’t seem to realize that. I am just a human capable of making mistakes. And so is she. And when she does, I don’t mind that. I don’t forgive her because I don’t get mad in the first place. I see no point getting mad to someone who’s so important to you because you know you just can’t last the days after being so. But there are times I also get livid, but she doesn’t know it, she never had the chance to be aware of that because my anger does not go far beyond myself. I forgive her right at the moment I feel the pressure of sulks seething within me. I don’t want to be mad at her for the reason that I don’t have the right to. And everyday, I forgive her…
If only I have not told the truth and instead acted innocent, things might be better. But knowing that a lie tends to lead into another one which then again leads to another one and so on, I have told the truth. I have committed a mistake and didn’t deny it, hoping that it would be more appreciated than to lie about something which is supposed to be a minor thing. I know I should be hoping for nothing positive. Instead of recognition for the value of my courage to tell the truth, it is but fury that I have anticipated. Because I know that for her, a mistake is a mistake regardless if it’s on purpose or by accident, or if it’s something you wish you could undo. Above all, a mistake is a mistake no matter what you say or in my case, not say. You have to pay the price – the look in her eyes which puts me to death, the silence which can last for days or weeks or even months and hopefully not for a year, the unresponsiveness, the nights spent alone, and most of all, self-reproach for making her mad.
Of course I didn’t mean to make a mistake. More than that, I didn’t mean to make her mad. I am already tired of these petty fights, and each day spent knowing that she’s mad at me, I am more than miserable. To unleash the fury in her is the last thing I want to do.
I am not perfect. I don’t see why she can’t seem to realize that. I am just a human capable of making mistakes. And so is she. And when she does, I don’t mind that. I don’t forgive her because I don’t get mad in the first place. I see no point getting mad to someone who’s so important to you because you know you just can’t last the days after being so. But there are times I also get livid, but she doesn’t know it, she never had the chance to be aware of that because my anger does not go far beyond myself. I forgive her right at the moment I feel the pressure of sulks seething within me. I don’t want to be mad at her for the reason that I don’t have the right to. And everyday, I forgive her…
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
On Having Second Thoughts on Something I Used to be so Sure of
Time can do a lot of things apart from healing wounds. It can also aggravate a wound, to a point that it hurts too much that you can no longer feel the pain. And the broken can’t be mended.
I thought I wouldn’t be perturbed by the distance and time that separate us. With a tweak in dealing with my everyday and through the impassiveness towards the issue of divergence, I believed that I can do anything, everything just as long as I know that you are with me. Somehow, realizations, although in a manner not so deliberate, crossed my mind, and everything I used to believe in turned out to be all fabrications now, understanding how I have successfully convinced myself for the past three years that I can manage to keep the thing alive, which I actually managed to do. Knowing that you are with me is not enough; you have to be with me. But since for now, it is not possible and no matter how much we want to be with each other, it just can’t happen. What’s worse is that the space between us expands as time leaves us behind that I can no longer touch you, see you, talk to you, shout at you, or even be with you in mind or in spirit. The distance between us has extended too long, too convoluted that it covered up the memories that we once had and the days that would have been spent together.
Maybe nothing else should matter as long as we love each other. But this separation, the distance and time that should have been transcended, has caused too much pain in me that it makes me weak rather than tough. This weakness brought me to believing things far removed from what I used to have faith in, forgetting about the kind of happiness that had once lived within me and getting acquainted to a lesser kind.
This distance and time brought us too far away from each other that we don’t grow connected together anymore. I feel so small for having been left behind. I feel so weak, so helpless that no matter how much I want to change everything that’s happening, I have no power to do so. But I am happy by the fact that you are happy. I am happy by the fact that you are only a few steps closer to your dream. Although we are growing on our own, away from each other, I am happy because you seem to love the way you are growing, loving the path that you chose. And I’ll never say that you made a wrong choice; something bigger than life is right in your hands and to not grab and hold on it tightly would be an absurd thing to do.
I have realized that when you love someone, you’re happiness isn’t that important at all. What’s more important is the happiness of the one you love that the things that make him happy makes you happy just the same or even more.
There is love, and there is love at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Maybe ours is an example of such. The place and time may be wrong, but the person and the love, which are more important, will never be wrong. It’s causing me so much pain to know that you are with me but not by my side, but I think it’s better than you being by my side but not with me.
I have thought of letting go of this love and I won’t deny that. Perhaps it’s because of the anguish I feel at times of your total absence or the partial presence, but these are nothing compared to the happiness in its deepest sense with just a smile and how I feel for you. I want to hold on to us for the rest of my life because I have never felt this sure ever in my life. If, by some chance or choice we bump into each other sooner or later, I hope you’ll be the same Derek I’ve always known.
I thought I wouldn’t be perturbed by the distance and time that separate us. With a tweak in dealing with my everyday and through the impassiveness towards the issue of divergence, I believed that I can do anything, everything just as long as I know that you are with me. Somehow, realizations, although in a manner not so deliberate, crossed my mind, and everything I used to believe in turned out to be all fabrications now, understanding how I have successfully convinced myself for the past three years that I can manage to keep the thing alive, which I actually managed to do. Knowing that you are with me is not enough; you have to be with me. But since for now, it is not possible and no matter how much we want to be with each other, it just can’t happen. What’s worse is that the space between us expands as time leaves us behind that I can no longer touch you, see you, talk to you, shout at you, or even be with you in mind or in spirit. The distance between us has extended too long, too convoluted that it covered up the memories that we once had and the days that would have been spent together.
Maybe nothing else should matter as long as we love each other. But this separation, the distance and time that should have been transcended, has caused too much pain in me that it makes me weak rather than tough. This weakness brought me to believing things far removed from what I used to have faith in, forgetting about the kind of happiness that had once lived within me and getting acquainted to a lesser kind.
This distance and time brought us too far away from each other that we don’t grow connected together anymore. I feel so small for having been left behind. I feel so weak, so helpless that no matter how much I want to change everything that’s happening, I have no power to do so. But I am happy by the fact that you are happy. I am happy by the fact that you are only a few steps closer to your dream. Although we are growing on our own, away from each other, I am happy because you seem to love the way you are growing, loving the path that you chose. And I’ll never say that you made a wrong choice; something bigger than life is right in your hands and to not grab and hold on it tightly would be an absurd thing to do.
I have realized that when you love someone, you’re happiness isn’t that important at all. What’s more important is the happiness of the one you love that the things that make him happy makes you happy just the same or even more.
There is love, and there is love at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Maybe ours is an example of such. The place and time may be wrong, but the person and the love, which are more important, will never be wrong. It’s causing me so much pain to know that you are with me but not by my side, but I think it’s better than you being by my side but not with me.
I have thought of letting go of this love and I won’t deny that. Perhaps it’s because of the anguish I feel at times of your total absence or the partial presence, but these are nothing compared to the happiness in its deepest sense with just a smile and how I feel for you. I want to hold on to us for the rest of my life because I have never felt this sure ever in my life. If, by some chance or choice we bump into each other sooner or later, I hope you’ll be the same Derek I’ve always known.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Help me. Change me.
I can’t help but ask myself: Do I deserve this? Do I deserve such a wonderful person who is, as many people believed, so perfect to be with just a mere human being incapable of so many things and who finds it hard to change the jarring ways in which she has grown herself with? Do I deserve the love, the trust and everything that he’s giving me?
I don’t deserve all of these. I don’t deserve any of these at all. But that’s for now. Nobody can change over night as they say, and the first step to change one’s failing is to accept it. And then, move forward… or in any direction you wish as long as you move and move with a direction. Sooner or later, by becoming the person that we want to be, all the flaws and failings that we used to have will find their way out of our own selves. Hopefully, when that time comes, it is not too late.
Someday, without any assurance if that day will come, but supposing that it will… I will deserve all of these. I will be a better person worthy of all the love in the world, especially his or his alone and all the things that I used to have, have, and will have.
Today, hopefully someday comes… But if for whatever reason there might be that that someday fails to exist, I won’t be troubled because by some means, I am trying my best today.
Heraclitus believes everything is changing. Now I won’t be the one to contest that.
I don’t deserve all of these. I don’t deserve any of these at all. But that’s for now. Nobody can change over night as they say, and the first step to change one’s failing is to accept it. And then, move forward… or in any direction you wish as long as you move and move with a direction. Sooner or later, by becoming the person that we want to be, all the flaws and failings that we used to have will find their way out of our own selves. Hopefully, when that time comes, it is not too late.
Someday, without any assurance if that day will come, but supposing that it will… I will deserve all of these. I will be a better person worthy of all the love in the world, especially his or his alone and all the things that I used to have, have, and will have.
Today, hopefully someday comes… But if for whatever reason there might be that that someday fails to exist, I won’t be troubled because by some means, I am trying my best today.
Heraclitus believes everything is changing. Now I won’t be the one to contest that.
This is my way of saying goodbye
You will not appreciate something you have until it’s gone.
The only time we see things at hand is when it goes beyond our reach, for people often see things too far ahead that they are blind to those at their fingertips. Realizations take place at the end of every action we carry on. And by the time these realizations come about, it is already too late.
There is something in human nature that makes them vulnerable, gullible, and helpless. Naïve in a way, taking for granted the long lists of other human experiences divulged so that others might learn. But others chose to learn through their own personal experiences, as if there is a need to repudiate what was told.
The knowledge we learn from reading is advantageous and constructs a better and valuable thinking. Even so, experience is still the best teacher of all. And who would reject the claim of Aristotle that what we have to learn to do, we learn by doing? The knowledge we gain falls down within the bounds of our very own experiences.
There is this one experience that taught me that things can last for as long as the longest time here exists just as long as we take good care of it. I haven’t studied the science of saying goodbye, but here it goes… This is my way of saying goodbye…
I know I should have taken better care of you. But since there is nothing I can do now to save you and to save me from being left behind by you… and that breaking down was never an option, I just have to face the truth that you are no longer with me… to wake me, to talk to me and to capture every moment of my life. I know, sooner or later I will learn to live a life without you. So I guess this is goodbye.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
LDR is not a disease.
LDR is not a disease, my dear. It is not something to be scared of. Neither is it contagious and deadly.
At first, it did not scare me much since distance is something that we have had ever since our day one. We went in the same high school and we’re classmates until our senior year, and ‘us’ began when we separated sections. After graduation, we went on different schools: He on the northern part of the Philippines and I on the South. Not long after college classes began, he transferred to a school near mine; he went back to high school through an international school. The following year, I transferred from my first campus to another as planned and expected. When he graduated high school (for the second time), he went abroad for college. This time, the distance is not the northern and southern parts of the country but the ends of the world; we are now approximately 8, 027 miles apart. And I’m talking miles here. Thousands of miles apart!
He and I are distanced from each other but the relationship is too flexible, too easily stretched out that it adjusts itself with whatever circumstances come about. Love transcends space, distance and time. Nevertheless, I am not saying that being away from each other is as easy as ABC. Believe me; it is way too far from being easy. At times, memories flood in and you just can’t help but miss his presence and wish he’d be there beside you right at that moment. At times, you feel it’s unbearable, too heavy for you to carry. But you have to think that you are not carrying it alone, someone’s helping you and you have to help him as well. You tend to break down, but you don’t, because you know that you are strong enough. And the thought that somewhere, somehow, someone thinks of you and feels the same way makes you feel that that someone also depends on the strength you keep and it just makes you tougher, to stand alone mightily for that one moment. And life for the both of you goes on…
So when two people love each other, really really love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
Never.
At first, it did not scare me much since distance is something that we have had ever since our day one. We went in the same high school and we’re classmates until our senior year, and ‘us’ began when we separated sections. After graduation, we went on different schools: He on the northern part of the Philippines and I on the South. Not long after college classes began, he transferred to a school near mine; he went back to high school through an international school. The following year, I transferred from my first campus to another as planned and expected. When he graduated high school (for the second time), he went abroad for college. This time, the distance is not the northern and southern parts of the country but the ends of the world; we are now approximately 8, 027 miles apart. And I’m talking miles here. Thousands of miles apart!
He and I are distanced from each other but the relationship is too flexible, too easily stretched out that it adjusts itself with whatever circumstances come about. Love transcends space, distance and time. Nevertheless, I am not saying that being away from each other is as easy as ABC. Believe me; it is way too far from being easy. At times, memories flood in and you just can’t help but miss his presence and wish he’d be there beside you right at that moment. At times, you feel it’s unbearable, too heavy for you to carry. But you have to think that you are not carrying it alone, someone’s helping you and you have to help him as well. You tend to break down, but you don’t, because you know that you are strong enough. And the thought that somewhere, somehow, someone thinks of you and feels the same way makes you feel that that someone also depends on the strength you keep and it just makes you tougher, to stand alone mightily for that one moment. And life for the both of you goes on…
So when two people love each other, really really love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
Never.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My New Year's Resolution
Lately, I’ve been “googling” on random things that interests me, like having a healthy lifestyle, waking up early, meditation, diet and nutrition, and the list goes on. Having read a few articles on these subjects, I decided to comply with not all, but most of the things that I also think would be helpful for me and make each day of my life productive, rewarding and improved. The things that I have read pushed me to change some parts of my usual activities but this account provides many other things. With this, I have listed my resolutions for the year 2009.
1. I will be an early riser consistently. For years, I have been planning to do this. There are times that I have been successful in waking up early for n consecutive days but it never got to that point where it became a habit. Not going early to bed would most probably be the reason behind. And for this, I blame my plates. And here I am again, blaming others when the blame is on me so…
2. I will think that I am the one responsible for the things that happen to my life. It is wrong to blame my plates for the late nights or the sleepless nights. Some things are beyond our control but there are also some things that we can control and the time to do my plates is something that I have power over. That is why…
3. I will manage my time wisely. How do I spend my free hours? I go to the library… and sleep or talk to friends or just watch people. I go two miles away from school only to play arcade and eat, or have a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I read books… without actually understanding. I surf the net and upload pictures in my blog. I watch movies. And most of the time, I list my things-to-do which does not go far beyond being listed and not crossed-out. So how do I spend my free hours? The short answer… I waste it! So this time, I’ll try to do things that would bear a seed, like reading notes in between classes or better yet, making note cards for reviewing which actually works for me.
4. I will not play arcade during schooldays. It would be hard, but I’ll try to fight the irresistible compulsion of “timezoning.” Not only does it kill time, it also consumes my allowance for the day.
5. I will jog at least once a week. How’s my heart? It’s going weak. Once a week is not enough I know, but it is what I can afford for now. I’d like to say I will jog at least three times a week but I’m not really sure if I can stick to that and I don’t want to break any of these resolutions of mine so I’ll play it safe. My sister plans to jog every Saturday afternoon. I told her to do so, after noticing her beer belly, which is something I also have. Shhh!
6. I will not buy things with exorbitant prices. My running shoes, which costs Php5,495, should be the last high-priced thing that I’d buy until I graduate. If I don’t do this, my sister would grow old poor and unhappy. That means, I’ll depend merely on gifts every Christmas and birthday and hope for the pricey things on my wish list. This, however, does not mean I can’t buy PS3 and rock band, or an SLR camera, since they are normally high-priced as long as the prices are fair and acceptable.
7. I will read and collect books. I haven’t read a lot of books in my life because I wasn’t interested at all before. I feel sorry for myself for not having that interest when I was younger. But as they say, ‘It’s never too late.’ The first and the only novel book I bought is “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. Most of the books I’ve read are gifts from my oh-so-good friends. I planned to borrow books from whoever but since I was also planning to put up a library in our future house, I decided to just buy so I can also keep them and put it orderly in our well thought-out and magnificent home library and let our future child or children read as many as he/she/they can or want to.
8. I will be a good sister. I am tired of the petty fights between me and my sister and I can't stand the silent days which turn to weeks and months. Most of all, I hate the look in her face when she’s mad at me. There’s really no reason to be at war with at all. She’s the only one I got right now.
9. I will drop the childish acts. If I can do this, I’m not certain but I’ll try. It had already been my character from long before hopefully only until now. I just turned 19 and life would be the same I know, but somehow, things will absolutely change. I will drop the childish acts, that is, the lack of seriousness and good sense but one thing will stay the same, I’ll still be childlike, the sweet and ‘innocent’ Tix. ;)
10. I will let go of the things I can’t get a grasp of and hold on to the things I have now. You don’t understand? Good. I’d rather not explain this.
1. I will be an early riser consistently. For years, I have been planning to do this. There are times that I have been successful in waking up early for n consecutive days but it never got to that point where it became a habit. Not going early to bed would most probably be the reason behind. And for this, I blame my plates. And here I am again, blaming others when the blame is on me so…
2. I will think that I am the one responsible for the things that happen to my life. It is wrong to blame my plates for the late nights or the sleepless nights. Some things are beyond our control but there are also some things that we can control and the time to do my plates is something that I have power over. That is why…
3. I will manage my time wisely. How do I spend my free hours? I go to the library… and sleep or talk to friends or just watch people. I go two miles away from school only to play arcade and eat, or have a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I read books… without actually understanding. I surf the net and upload pictures in my blog. I watch movies. And most of the time, I list my things-to-do which does not go far beyond being listed and not crossed-out. So how do I spend my free hours? The short answer… I waste it! So this time, I’ll try to do things that would bear a seed, like reading notes in between classes or better yet, making note cards for reviewing which actually works for me.
4. I will not play arcade during schooldays. It would be hard, but I’ll try to fight the irresistible compulsion of “timezoning.” Not only does it kill time, it also consumes my allowance for the day.
5. I will jog at least once a week. How’s my heart? It’s going weak. Once a week is not enough I know, but it is what I can afford for now. I’d like to say I will jog at least three times a week but I’m not really sure if I can stick to that and I don’t want to break any of these resolutions of mine so I’ll play it safe. My sister plans to jog every Saturday afternoon. I told her to do so, after noticing her beer belly, which is something I also have. Shhh!
6. I will not buy things with exorbitant prices. My running shoes, which costs Php5,495, should be the last high-priced thing that I’d buy until I graduate. If I don’t do this, my sister would grow old poor and unhappy. That means, I’ll depend merely on gifts every Christmas and birthday and hope for the pricey things on my wish list. This, however, does not mean I can’t buy PS3 and rock band, or an SLR camera, since they are normally high-priced as long as the prices are fair and acceptable.
7. I will read and collect books. I haven’t read a lot of books in my life because I wasn’t interested at all before. I feel sorry for myself for not having that interest when I was younger. But as they say, ‘It’s never too late.’ The first and the only novel book I bought is “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. Most of the books I’ve read are gifts from my oh-so-good friends. I planned to borrow books from whoever but since I was also planning to put up a library in our future house, I decided to just buy so I can also keep them and put it orderly in our well thought-out and magnificent home library and let our future child or children read as many as he/she/they can or want to.
8. I will be a good sister. I am tired of the petty fights between me and my sister and I can't stand the silent days which turn to weeks and months. Most of all, I hate the look in her face when she’s mad at me. There’s really no reason to be at war with at all. She’s the only one I got right now.
9. I will drop the childish acts. If I can do this, I’m not certain but I’ll try. It had already been my character from long before hopefully only until now. I just turned 19 and life would be the same I know, but somehow, things will absolutely change. I will drop the childish acts, that is, the lack of seriousness and good sense but one thing will stay the same, I’ll still be childlike, the sweet and ‘innocent’ Tix. ;)
10. I will let go of the things I can’t get a grasp of and hold on to the things I have now. You don’t understand? Good. I’d rather not explain this.
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