What happens when you don't have a plan

So I am here in our room, alone. I can't stand the mess. I want to clean up but I don't know where to start or how to. The room is full already -- with refrigerator, two double decks, a folding mattress lying on the floor, a closet, one more closet and still one more closet, a long table, a drafting table, and a small table, a platform and too many things under the beds. I want to start from zero -- without these things. I want them out first.

So that's what happens when you  don't plan ahead, when you just put things inside without knowing how to arrange things in place -- a messy, hard-to-clean-up room.

Same thing goes with relationships. If you get into it without planning ahead, it's like getting yourself in a quicksand -- once you get inside, you sink slowly and it's hard to get yourself out. 

Because there wasn't any plan in the first place, you just start to put things into the relationship -- surprises, dates, gifts, more surprises and then more surprises. Then it starts to build up. Like a messy room, there's just too much inside. Yet you keep putting in things, thinking it would save the relationship. You 'd put in more dates, to facilitate good communication. More gifts, to show your appreciation. And a lot more surprises, to keep things alive and... well, surprising!

So you think you're saving the relationship that way? You might as well think again.

The more of those "things" you put into, the more you suffocate your relationship. Until it can't take anymore. And it blasts!

Then one day, you find yourself standing there thinking of cleaning it all up, doing it all over again. But it's impossible to take the things out -- the same things you yourself put in.

So that's what happens when you  don't plan ahead, when you just put things inside without knowing how to arrange things in place -- the realization that you could have better.

Try "other things" -- those that doesn't take up too much space in a room, like thinking.


Same goes with a planning a city. Look what we have here:

1. We bow down to these devastating disasters - fire, earthquake, typhoon.

Picture from http://filipinolifeinpictures.wordpress.com/2008/07/23/manila-fire-and-the-aftermath/

2. We spend a lot of time on the road, we get stuck in traffic.

Picture from http://www.justanotherpixel.net/2010/06/we-need-car.html

3. And this skyline.

Picture from http://egagah.blogspot.com/2011/05/welcome-to-other-side-of-philippines.html

Someday, I will do something to arrange things in this city. Someday, I will have a plan for this city. I know I can't just take things out and I can't start from zero. That's the challenge I'm willing to accept.

But for now, I'll settle for this small space -- our messy, hard-to-clean-up room.

Kaput

I remember the afternoon of March 31st, 2002. I just graduated from gradeschool, as the class salutatorian.

I was sitting at our back door, staring blankly on the wall that separates our house from the street. I was alone, or perhaps I just don't remember there was anyone in the house at that time. I don't know where they are. We just came home from my graduation.

There were not much congratulatory greetings from anyone, no food, no celebration for what I thought was a special occassion. I just finished elementary school with flying colors, second in class. Maybe that wasn't good enough. So there was really nothing to celebrate for, or to be proud of. I was just second.

And here I am, 9 years after, winning first prize in a national essay writing contest. I kept it to myself and a few close friends for a while, for I needed time to absorb the good news. And how big a thing it was for me! Two weeks later, I brought my certificate and trophy to my sister. "May ipapauwi ako" was my discreet way of saying "Hey, I just won first prize in an essay writing contest!" But there was nothing except, "What's the Rizal trophy for?" Back home, I received no reaction, up until now.

Like my gradeschool achievement, it passed unnoticed, unacknowledged, unappreciated.

So I realized no achievement or award could give me that. Not that I'm yearning for acknowledgement or appreciation, I'm just saying...

Drifting Away

When you don't have a goal, it's so easy to drift away. Drift away. Drift away. Drift-aaa- waaaaaay...

Bridges and values

"I don't like to burn bridges." I often hear it. That's what they always say. "Don't burn bridges," my friends would tell me, which sounds quite... demanding? All right, all right.

But how about sincerity, honesty, truth, fidelity, loyalty and kindness? Are they no longer as valuable as friendships? The human values that are supposedly instilled deep into our veins, where are they now? Aren't we supposed to do, not just what we like to do, but what is right and good and virtuous? Is it enough to "not burn bridges" when you know you're doing something wrong? Even if you're not the one doing it? Do you think you are justified just because your hands are clean?

I should admit, that a lot of times, I fall into the trap of that kind of pleasure. That kind of pleasure which somehow eases the loneliness within you, that which you do just because it's something you can do at the time. But after a while, you are still the same old you, just worse. Because you were too weak to fall into that kind of trap.

I want to understand what is with these bridges. I believe they don't burn easily. They must not burn easily. I believe they should be strong enough that no matter how hard it is hit, it would hold steadfastly. And the bridges that you are not afraid to burn because you believe they are strong enough not to collapse, are the only ones you should keep. The bridges that burn, are the ones that are weak and unworthy of keeping.

I have burned some bridges. Those with cracks are really hard to save -- they'll fall no matter how hard you try to conceal the cracks.

Bridges, sometimes they amaze me.