“Who was your bestfriend in high school?”

Everyone thinks we were best friends except us. We never admitted it to each other or to anyone else. We never mentioned the word bestfriend and unlike everyone else, we never gave our friendship a name. We were high school classmates, and that’s how we introduce each other to a new friend.

In spite all these, we both sense that we were high school bestfriends. We spent most of the time together. We eat together. We shop together. We walk anywhere together. We roam around the campus together. We do most things we have to do together. We travel together. We do crazy things together. We were the best of friends and that went on until our second year in college, just until that night when the word bestfriend was mentioned in a question asked by a new friend to my “bestfriend.”

“Who was your bestfriend in high school?”

I knew I wasn’t the only one expecting my name as the answer, but the answer is not Tix. That’s cool. I am not the best friend of the best friend I have. That’s not fair. But hey, that’s life. Along with some other factors – the lack of communication and the geographical separation, I felt like she had ended the unfathomable friendship right at that moment when she mentioned someone else’s name. But after giving it a deeper thought, I realized that if she answered my name, she would have ended it just the same. Either way, she broke something within me and definitely, it wasn’t a bone.

Perhaps, the question is better left unanswered because some things are better left in the dark. But there will come a time that we have to face the light because we can’t just live all our lives in obscurity, without knowing what, where, when, why or how. We have to know where we stand so that we may know the ones worthy to be kept.

One word. Just one word. That one word steered the wheel in a different direction now… Something has been changed and it changed so many things. And we both know nothing will ever be the same and what used to be will remain what used to be.

I lead a happy life… everyday.

Just recently, i found out how i could be happy and what made me sad in the past years of my life. It may be fair to say that for me to be happy, i have to take away in my life those that makes me sad. But that might not be logical at all. I don't know exactly how i could be happy... All i know is that i have to be.

I used to be so eager about the future. I used to think so much about the future – what I’d be doing five or ten years from now, what I am, what things I should be busy with or where should I live. I was so engrossed by the thought of me working in an architectural firm, having babies, going on a home which I personally designed, waiting for my husband to come home, preparing dinner for my family, and so on. I know there is nothing wrong to think about the future and definitely it is not wrong to prepare for it. But by doing so, I forgot that I was living the present – I actually wasn’t living the present, I was living the future.

There are so many things that I want to achieve in my life and to achieve more than half of these things, it would take years. I realized that there are also things that I want to achieve in my present life, the most important of which is being happy. I was so lost living in the future that I did not realize how much I was missing in this life.

It’s not that I stopped thinking about the future, but I now think less of the future and more of the present. I stopped worrying about my how I’ll have my work done on time when I a client asks me to design something. I stopped worrying about how to rear children, how to change diapers, or how to make them stop crying. I stopped worrying about where to build my house and what concept I should be implementing. I stopped worrying how long I should be waiting for my husband to come home when I am tired and wanting to lie in bed early. I stopped worrying about what dinner to prepare or how to do it – I don’t even know how to cook! I stopped worrying about the things I should not worry about… or not just yet. Worry is just a waste of emotional reserve.

I live one day at a time. I no longer think in decades. I no longer wait for tomorrow. I no longer live in the future. I am happy today… living it as if it is my first or last day alive.

The unwritten letter

I’m finding it hard to gather all my thoughts or at least come up with a single thought and put it into words… and type it here. I’m sorry I can’t write you a letter. Not now that you’re asking me.

This doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that I can’t find the right words to say…

I think you know very well that I’m not good with words or conveying how I feel. It’s just the way I am.

Maybe in time, I’ll learn how to talk…

For now, I hope this is enough: I miss you so much.