A truth or a lie might cause a big difference to the things that occur subsequently.
If only I have not told the truth and instead acted innocent, things might be better. But knowing that a lie tends to lead into another one which then again leads to another one and so on, I have told the truth. I have committed a mistake and didn’t deny it, hoping that it would be more appreciated than to lie about something which is supposed to be a minor thing. I know I should be hoping for nothing positive. Instead of recognition for the value of my courage to tell the truth, it is but fury that I have anticipated. Because I know that for her, a mistake is a mistake regardless if it’s on purpose or by accident, or if it’s something you wish you could undo. Above all, a mistake is a mistake no matter what you say or in my case, not say. You have to pay the price – the look in her eyes which puts me to death, the silence which can last for days or weeks or even months and hopefully not for a year, the unresponsiveness, the nights spent alone, and most of all, self-reproach for making her mad.
Of course I didn’t mean to make a mistake. More than that, I didn’t mean to make her mad. I am already tired of these petty fights, and each day spent knowing that she’s mad at me, I am more than miserable. To unleash the fury in her is the last thing I want to do.
I am not perfect. I don’t see why she can’t seem to realize that. I am just a human capable of making mistakes. And so is she. And when she does, I don’t mind that. I don’t forgive her because I don’t get mad in the first place. I see no point getting mad to someone who’s so important to you because you know you just can’t last the days after being so. But there are times I also get livid, but she doesn’t know it, she never had the chance to be aware of that because my anger does not go far beyond myself. I forgive her right at the moment I feel the pressure of sulks seething within me. I don’t want to be mad at her for the reason that I don’t have the right to. And everyday, I forgive her…
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
On Having Second Thoughts on Something I Used to be so Sure of
Time can do a lot of things apart from healing wounds. It can also aggravate a wound, to a point that it hurts too much that you can no longer feel the pain. And the broken can’t be mended.
I thought I wouldn’t be perturbed by the distance and time that separate us. With a tweak in dealing with my everyday and through the impassiveness towards the issue of divergence, I believed that I can do anything, everything just as long as I know that you are with me. Somehow, realizations, although in a manner not so deliberate, crossed my mind, and everything I used to believe in turned out to be all fabrications now, understanding how I have successfully convinced myself for the past three years that I can manage to keep the thing alive, which I actually managed to do. Knowing that you are with me is not enough; you have to be with me. But since for now, it is not possible and no matter how much we want to be with each other, it just can’t happen. What’s worse is that the space between us expands as time leaves us behind that I can no longer touch you, see you, talk to you, shout at you, or even be with you in mind or in spirit. The distance between us has extended too long, too convoluted that it covered up the memories that we once had and the days that would have been spent together.
Maybe nothing else should matter as long as we love each other. But this separation, the distance and time that should have been transcended, has caused too much pain in me that it makes me weak rather than tough. This weakness brought me to believing things far removed from what I used to have faith in, forgetting about the kind of happiness that had once lived within me and getting acquainted to a lesser kind.
This distance and time brought us too far away from each other that we don’t grow connected together anymore. I feel so small for having been left behind. I feel so weak, so helpless that no matter how much I want to change everything that’s happening, I have no power to do so. But I am happy by the fact that you are happy. I am happy by the fact that you are only a few steps closer to your dream. Although we are growing on our own, away from each other, I am happy because you seem to love the way you are growing, loving the path that you chose. And I’ll never say that you made a wrong choice; something bigger than life is right in your hands and to not grab and hold on it tightly would be an absurd thing to do.
I have realized that when you love someone, you’re happiness isn’t that important at all. What’s more important is the happiness of the one you love that the things that make him happy makes you happy just the same or even more.
There is love, and there is love at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Maybe ours is an example of such. The place and time may be wrong, but the person and the love, which are more important, will never be wrong. It’s causing me so much pain to know that you are with me but not by my side, but I think it’s better than you being by my side but not with me.
I have thought of letting go of this love and I won’t deny that. Perhaps it’s because of the anguish I feel at times of your total absence or the partial presence, but these are nothing compared to the happiness in its deepest sense with just a smile and how I feel for you. I want to hold on to us for the rest of my life because I have never felt this sure ever in my life. If, by some chance or choice we bump into each other sooner or later, I hope you’ll be the same Derek I’ve always known.
I thought I wouldn’t be perturbed by the distance and time that separate us. With a tweak in dealing with my everyday and through the impassiveness towards the issue of divergence, I believed that I can do anything, everything just as long as I know that you are with me. Somehow, realizations, although in a manner not so deliberate, crossed my mind, and everything I used to believe in turned out to be all fabrications now, understanding how I have successfully convinced myself for the past three years that I can manage to keep the thing alive, which I actually managed to do. Knowing that you are with me is not enough; you have to be with me. But since for now, it is not possible and no matter how much we want to be with each other, it just can’t happen. What’s worse is that the space between us expands as time leaves us behind that I can no longer touch you, see you, talk to you, shout at you, or even be with you in mind or in spirit. The distance between us has extended too long, too convoluted that it covered up the memories that we once had and the days that would have been spent together.
Maybe nothing else should matter as long as we love each other. But this separation, the distance and time that should have been transcended, has caused too much pain in me that it makes me weak rather than tough. This weakness brought me to believing things far removed from what I used to have faith in, forgetting about the kind of happiness that had once lived within me and getting acquainted to a lesser kind.
This distance and time brought us too far away from each other that we don’t grow connected together anymore. I feel so small for having been left behind. I feel so weak, so helpless that no matter how much I want to change everything that’s happening, I have no power to do so. But I am happy by the fact that you are happy. I am happy by the fact that you are only a few steps closer to your dream. Although we are growing on our own, away from each other, I am happy because you seem to love the way you are growing, loving the path that you chose. And I’ll never say that you made a wrong choice; something bigger than life is right in your hands and to not grab and hold on it tightly would be an absurd thing to do.
I have realized that when you love someone, you’re happiness isn’t that important at all. What’s more important is the happiness of the one you love that the things that make him happy makes you happy just the same or even more.
There is love, and there is love at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Maybe ours is an example of such. The place and time may be wrong, but the person and the love, which are more important, will never be wrong. It’s causing me so much pain to know that you are with me but not by my side, but I think it’s better than you being by my side but not with me.
I have thought of letting go of this love and I won’t deny that. Perhaps it’s because of the anguish I feel at times of your total absence or the partial presence, but these are nothing compared to the happiness in its deepest sense with just a smile and how I feel for you. I want to hold on to us for the rest of my life because I have never felt this sure ever in my life. If, by some chance or choice we bump into each other sooner or later, I hope you’ll be the same Derek I’ve always known.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Help me. Change me.
I can’t help but ask myself: Do I deserve this? Do I deserve such a wonderful person who is, as many people believed, so perfect to be with just a mere human being incapable of so many things and who finds it hard to change the jarring ways in which she has grown herself with? Do I deserve the love, the trust and everything that he’s giving me?
I don’t deserve all of these. I don’t deserve any of these at all. But that’s for now. Nobody can change over night as they say, and the first step to change one’s failing is to accept it. And then, move forward… or in any direction you wish as long as you move and move with a direction. Sooner or later, by becoming the person that we want to be, all the flaws and failings that we used to have will find their way out of our own selves. Hopefully, when that time comes, it is not too late.
Someday, without any assurance if that day will come, but supposing that it will… I will deserve all of these. I will be a better person worthy of all the love in the world, especially his or his alone and all the things that I used to have, have, and will have.
Today, hopefully someday comes… But if for whatever reason there might be that that someday fails to exist, I won’t be troubled because by some means, I am trying my best today.
Heraclitus believes everything is changing. Now I won’t be the one to contest that.
I don’t deserve all of these. I don’t deserve any of these at all. But that’s for now. Nobody can change over night as they say, and the first step to change one’s failing is to accept it. And then, move forward… or in any direction you wish as long as you move and move with a direction. Sooner or later, by becoming the person that we want to be, all the flaws and failings that we used to have will find their way out of our own selves. Hopefully, when that time comes, it is not too late.
Someday, without any assurance if that day will come, but supposing that it will… I will deserve all of these. I will be a better person worthy of all the love in the world, especially his or his alone and all the things that I used to have, have, and will have.
Today, hopefully someday comes… But if for whatever reason there might be that that someday fails to exist, I won’t be troubled because by some means, I am trying my best today.
Heraclitus believes everything is changing. Now I won’t be the one to contest that.
This is my way of saying goodbye
You will not appreciate something you have until it’s gone.
The only time we see things at hand is when it goes beyond our reach, for people often see things too far ahead that they are blind to those at their fingertips. Realizations take place at the end of every action we carry on. And by the time these realizations come about, it is already too late.
There is something in human nature that makes them vulnerable, gullible, and helpless. Naïve in a way, taking for granted the long lists of other human experiences divulged so that others might learn. But others chose to learn through their own personal experiences, as if there is a need to repudiate what was told.
The knowledge we learn from reading is advantageous and constructs a better and valuable thinking. Even so, experience is still the best teacher of all. And who would reject the claim of Aristotle that what we have to learn to do, we learn by doing? The knowledge we gain falls down within the bounds of our very own experiences.
There is this one experience that taught me that things can last for as long as the longest time here exists just as long as we take good care of it. I haven’t studied the science of saying goodbye, but here it goes… This is my way of saying goodbye…
I know I should have taken better care of you. But since there is nothing I can do now to save you and to save me from being left behind by you… and that breaking down was never an option, I just have to face the truth that you are no longer with me… to wake me, to talk to me and to capture every moment of my life. I know, sooner or later I will learn to live a life without you. So I guess this is goodbye.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
LDR is not a disease.
LDR is not a disease, my dear. It is not something to be scared of. Neither is it contagious and deadly.
At first, it did not scare me much since distance is something that we have had ever since our day one. We went in the same high school and we’re classmates until our senior year, and ‘us’ began when we separated sections. After graduation, we went on different schools: He on the northern part of the Philippines and I on the South. Not long after college classes began, he transferred to a school near mine; he went back to high school through an international school. The following year, I transferred from my first campus to another as planned and expected. When he graduated high school (for the second time), he went abroad for college. This time, the distance is not the northern and southern parts of the country but the ends of the world; we are now approximately 8, 027 miles apart. And I’m talking miles here. Thousands of miles apart!
He and I are distanced from each other but the relationship is too flexible, too easily stretched out that it adjusts itself with whatever circumstances come about. Love transcends space, distance and time. Nevertheless, I am not saying that being away from each other is as easy as ABC. Believe me; it is way too far from being easy. At times, memories flood in and you just can’t help but miss his presence and wish he’d be there beside you right at that moment. At times, you feel it’s unbearable, too heavy for you to carry. But you have to think that you are not carrying it alone, someone’s helping you and you have to help him as well. You tend to break down, but you don’t, because you know that you are strong enough. And the thought that somewhere, somehow, someone thinks of you and feels the same way makes you feel that that someone also depends on the strength you keep and it just makes you tougher, to stand alone mightily for that one moment. And life for the both of you goes on…
So when two people love each other, really really love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
Never.
At first, it did not scare me much since distance is something that we have had ever since our day one. We went in the same high school and we’re classmates until our senior year, and ‘us’ began when we separated sections. After graduation, we went on different schools: He on the northern part of the Philippines and I on the South. Not long after college classes began, he transferred to a school near mine; he went back to high school through an international school. The following year, I transferred from my first campus to another as planned and expected. When he graduated high school (for the second time), he went abroad for college. This time, the distance is not the northern and southern parts of the country but the ends of the world; we are now approximately 8, 027 miles apart. And I’m talking miles here. Thousands of miles apart!
He and I are distanced from each other but the relationship is too flexible, too easily stretched out that it adjusts itself with whatever circumstances come about. Love transcends space, distance and time. Nevertheless, I am not saying that being away from each other is as easy as ABC. Believe me; it is way too far from being easy. At times, memories flood in and you just can’t help but miss his presence and wish he’d be there beside you right at that moment. At times, you feel it’s unbearable, too heavy for you to carry. But you have to think that you are not carrying it alone, someone’s helping you and you have to help him as well. You tend to break down, but you don’t, because you know that you are strong enough. And the thought that somewhere, somehow, someone thinks of you and feels the same way makes you feel that that someone also depends on the strength you keep and it just makes you tougher, to stand alone mightily for that one moment. And life for the both of you goes on…
So when two people love each other, really really love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
Never.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My New Year's Resolution
Lately, I’ve been “googling” on random things that interests me, like having a healthy lifestyle, waking up early, meditation, diet and nutrition, and the list goes on. Having read a few articles on these subjects, I decided to comply with not all, but most of the things that I also think would be helpful for me and make each day of my life productive, rewarding and improved. The things that I have read pushed me to change some parts of my usual activities but this account provides many other things. With this, I have listed my resolutions for the year 2009.
1. I will be an early riser consistently. For years, I have been planning to do this. There are times that I have been successful in waking up early for n consecutive days but it never got to that point where it became a habit. Not going early to bed would most probably be the reason behind. And for this, I blame my plates. And here I am again, blaming others when the blame is on me so…
2. I will think that I am the one responsible for the things that happen to my life. It is wrong to blame my plates for the late nights or the sleepless nights. Some things are beyond our control but there are also some things that we can control and the time to do my plates is something that I have power over. That is why…
3. I will manage my time wisely. How do I spend my free hours? I go to the library… and sleep or talk to friends or just watch people. I go two miles away from school only to play arcade and eat, or have a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I read books… without actually understanding. I surf the net and upload pictures in my blog. I watch movies. And most of the time, I list my things-to-do which does not go far beyond being listed and not crossed-out. So how do I spend my free hours? The short answer… I waste it! So this time, I’ll try to do things that would bear a seed, like reading notes in between classes or better yet, making note cards for reviewing which actually works for me.
4. I will not play arcade during schooldays. It would be hard, but I’ll try to fight the irresistible compulsion of “timezoning.” Not only does it kill time, it also consumes my allowance for the day.
5. I will jog at least once a week. How’s my heart? It’s going weak. Once a week is not enough I know, but it is what I can afford for now. I’d like to say I will jog at least three times a week but I’m not really sure if I can stick to that and I don’t want to break any of these resolutions of mine so I’ll play it safe. My sister plans to jog every Saturday afternoon. I told her to do so, after noticing her beer belly, which is something I also have. Shhh!
6. I will not buy things with exorbitant prices. My running shoes, which costs Php5,495, should be the last high-priced thing that I’d buy until I graduate. If I don’t do this, my sister would grow old poor and unhappy. That means, I’ll depend merely on gifts every Christmas and birthday and hope for the pricey things on my wish list. This, however, does not mean I can’t buy PS3 and rock band, or an SLR camera, since they are normally high-priced as long as the prices are fair and acceptable.
7. I will read and collect books. I haven’t read a lot of books in my life because I wasn’t interested at all before. I feel sorry for myself for not having that interest when I was younger. But as they say, ‘It’s never too late.’ The first and the only novel book I bought is “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. Most of the books I’ve read are gifts from my oh-so-good friends. I planned to borrow books from whoever but since I was also planning to put up a library in our future house, I decided to just buy so I can also keep them and put it orderly in our well thought-out and magnificent home library and let our future child or children read as many as he/she/they can or want to.
8. I will be a good sister. I am tired of the petty fights between me and my sister and I can't stand the silent days which turn to weeks and months. Most of all, I hate the look in her face when she’s mad at me. There’s really no reason to be at war with at all. She’s the only one I got right now.
9. I will drop the childish acts. If I can do this, I’m not certain but I’ll try. It had already been my character from long before hopefully only until now. I just turned 19 and life would be the same I know, but somehow, things will absolutely change. I will drop the childish acts, that is, the lack of seriousness and good sense but one thing will stay the same, I’ll still be childlike, the sweet and ‘innocent’ Tix. ;)
10. I will let go of the things I can’t get a grasp of and hold on to the things I have now. You don’t understand? Good. I’d rather not explain this.
1. I will be an early riser consistently. For years, I have been planning to do this. There are times that I have been successful in waking up early for n consecutive days but it never got to that point where it became a habit. Not going early to bed would most probably be the reason behind. And for this, I blame my plates. And here I am again, blaming others when the blame is on me so…
2. I will think that I am the one responsible for the things that happen to my life. It is wrong to blame my plates for the late nights or the sleepless nights. Some things are beyond our control but there are also some things that we can control and the time to do my plates is something that I have power over. That is why…
3. I will manage my time wisely. How do I spend my free hours? I go to the library… and sleep or talk to friends or just watch people. I go two miles away from school only to play arcade and eat, or have a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I read books… without actually understanding. I surf the net and upload pictures in my blog. I watch movies. And most of the time, I list my things-to-do which does not go far beyond being listed and not crossed-out. So how do I spend my free hours? The short answer… I waste it! So this time, I’ll try to do things that would bear a seed, like reading notes in between classes or better yet, making note cards for reviewing which actually works for me.
4. I will not play arcade during schooldays. It would be hard, but I’ll try to fight the irresistible compulsion of “timezoning.” Not only does it kill time, it also consumes my allowance for the day.
5. I will jog at least once a week. How’s my heart? It’s going weak. Once a week is not enough I know, but it is what I can afford for now. I’d like to say I will jog at least three times a week but I’m not really sure if I can stick to that and I don’t want to break any of these resolutions of mine so I’ll play it safe. My sister plans to jog every Saturday afternoon. I told her to do so, after noticing her beer belly, which is something I also have. Shhh!
6. I will not buy things with exorbitant prices. My running shoes, which costs Php5,495, should be the last high-priced thing that I’d buy until I graduate. If I don’t do this, my sister would grow old poor and unhappy. That means, I’ll depend merely on gifts every Christmas and birthday and hope for the pricey things on my wish list. This, however, does not mean I can’t buy PS3 and rock band, or an SLR camera, since they are normally high-priced as long as the prices are fair and acceptable.
7. I will read and collect books. I haven’t read a lot of books in my life because I wasn’t interested at all before. I feel sorry for myself for not having that interest when I was younger. But as they say, ‘It’s never too late.’ The first and the only novel book I bought is “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. Most of the books I’ve read are gifts from my oh-so-good friends. I planned to borrow books from whoever but since I was also planning to put up a library in our future house, I decided to just buy so I can also keep them and put it orderly in our well thought-out and magnificent home library and let our future child or children read as many as he/she/they can or want to.
8. I will be a good sister. I am tired of the petty fights between me and my sister and I can't stand the silent days which turn to weeks and months. Most of all, I hate the look in her face when she’s mad at me. There’s really no reason to be at war with at all. She’s the only one I got right now.
9. I will drop the childish acts. If I can do this, I’m not certain but I’ll try. It had already been my character from long before hopefully only until now. I just turned 19 and life would be the same I know, but somehow, things will absolutely change. I will drop the childish acts, that is, the lack of seriousness and good sense but one thing will stay the same, I’ll still be childlike, the sweet and ‘innocent’ Tix. ;)
10. I will let go of the things I can’t get a grasp of and hold on to the things I have now. You don’t understand? Good. I’d rather not explain this.
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